Sunday, July 15, 2012

What's probably holding up the Jakub Voracek contract negotiations...

Homer walks into his office at the Wells Fargo Center following a brief, end of the year vacation:

Homer: Gentlemen! Are we all as excited for free agency as I am?? I literally cannot wait until July 1st and the crop of new players waiting for me to hand them blank checks!

Advisor #1: Um, sir, the free agency period started two weeks ago.

Homer: WHAT?!? Why was I not informed?!

Advisor #2: Mr. Holmgren, as soon as the team lost in the playoffs you told us you were going to New Jersey to hunt the actual Jersey Devil... Which to this point is unconfirmed to even exist. And to make matters worse, we tried calling you no less than 50 times but only got your voicemail.

Homer: The Jersey Devil ate my phone.

Advisor #2: Of course it did, sir.

Homer: Well did we get anyone after I traded James van der Beek?

Advisor #2: I'm sure you meant vanRiemsdyk, but yes we did! The team brought back Ruslan Fedotenko and signed defensemen Bruno Gervais from Tampa Bay.

Homer: Never knew Gervais played hockey, thought he just told jokes, the crazy brit. But Rusty?! I LOVE THAT GUY! One time in '02 I challenged Rusty to a vodka drinking contest after a game in Ottawa. We blacked out but when we came to we were in a Canadian strip club pouring maple syrup on strippers titties.

Advisor #1: Very interesting, sir.

Homer: *Looking over numbers* Hmm, yes. I understand some of these things. According to this website, we have, like, eight million dollars left. Who's left out there? ... Shane Doan. I like that name. Give it all to him.

Advisor #1: ... ALL of it? B-but sir, after Harrison Zolnierczyk, Marc-Andre Bourdon and Jakub Voracek sign their qualifying offers we'll be at the 50-contract limit.

Homer: Voracek? Ugh. More like BORE-a-cheek. AM I RITE? *Looks for a high-five from Advisor #2, but pulls his hand back before Advisor #2 makes contact* TOO SLOW!

Advisor #2: Very clever, sir.

Homer: Seriously, though. All that guy does is mumble! I tried to make conversation with him at the urinal one day and I could barely hear him! I mean christ, we saved you from that shit-hole Columbus the LEAST you could do is say thank you!

Advisor #1: Most people don't like talking while going to the bathroom, sir. It makes them uncomfortable.

Homer: I never said I was going to the bathroom.

Advisor #1: Oh.

Homer: Whatever. Boreachek, Harry Z, M.A.B., Doan... You guys get it done, I'll throw a tie on and introduce 'em.

Advisor #2: But Mr. Holmgren that's more money than we have. If we were to...

Homer: DON'T CARE. If you need me I'll be watching 'Dawson's Creek'. God dammit I love me some Van Der Beek.

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