Thursday, August 2, 2012

What did your favorite Flyer do this summer? (2012 Edition!)

With the new season (hopefully) right around the corner, our boys will be hitting the ice again in the next month or so. But what did they do with their summer break? 'Phlyin High' takes an inside look at how the Flyers have been doing since last they played hockey...

Claude Giroux - To console himself from not winning the Stanley Cup, G finger blasted every sexy co-ed within a 10 mile radius of the Wells Fargo Center to the point of wrist exhaustion. Later, his public relations rep told him that having this information leak would not be a good idea, so it was decided that Claude would lie and instead say that Sidney Crosby fractured his wrist when the two teams played in the playoffs. Interesting side note; Sidney Crosby has never satisfied a woman in his life.

- Danny Briere - Sick of all the crime going on in Philadelphia and after watching 'The Dark Knight Rises' one too many times, Briere decided to create a costume and become a hero named, "Mighty Mouse" in an attempt to clean up the streets. 20th Century Fox has already voiced their displeasure over the masked vigilante, not because of his antics though, but because they intend to sue him for copyright infringement.

- Peter Laviolette - To capitalize on the popularity of his "Jam" meme, Peter has decided to invest in his own fruit spread company. Flavors include, "Play Hard" Peach, "Typical Montreal" Mango and "Shove it up your ass" strawberry. 'Lavy's Fuckin' Awesome Jam' hits your local Acme this fall.

- Scott Hartnell - While on a month long vacation in Mexico, Hartnell decided he was sick of shaving and decided he'd grow out his hair and beard indefinitely. During a hike trough the mountains a few days later, he was mistaken for a 'missing link' type monster due to his wild orange hair and now is referred to as 'La bestia naranja' to the locals.

- Sean Couturier - From Coots himself: "YO one nite Mr. Briere let me Caelan, Carson and Cameron (Briere's three sons) stay up past 12 AT NIGHT and we played C.O.D. and drank Mountain Dew for like eight straight hours dude it was so rad! Then the Schenn brothers came over and we all took turns playin 'Super Smash Bros.'on Wii. It was so funny when Brayden picked Metaknight tho cuz EVERYONE knows he's the gayest one!"

- Max Talbot - After hearing his BFF and former teammate Bruno Gervais was joining the Flyers, the two immediately had a sleep over where they painted each other's toenails, talked about which Twilight movie was the best, which boys they liked and played 'Dance Dance Revolution' until the sun came up. They're reportedly in talks to move in together.

- Zac Rinaldo - Currently serving a six-month prison sentence in Philadelphia House of Corrections for assaulting a Girl Scout who didn't have change for a 100 dollar bill so he could buy a box of Thin Mints. When asked about how he received a black eye in the altercation, Rinaldo mentioned the eleven year old, "Had a hell of a right hook, broseph".

- Ilya Bryzgalov - In a moment of deep thought, Bryz wondered into the Russian woods with a metal spoon, an 8-track of Europe's 'Wings of Tomorrow' and $5.20 in Rubles. He returned three days ago with a fully-functioning F16 fighter jet. Ilya is considered one of the more levelheaded citizens in his hometown of Togliatti. 

Any ideas for guys I missed? Put it in the comments! 

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